Sympathy for the Debil : Michael Eisner & Kathy Griffin (Dumb Think Piece Of The Week)

Responding to this whole conga line. 
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/kathy-griffin-judges-michael-eisners-807005

September 8th, 2007, I was having the worst day at work. Just super stressed out after 10 hours with a whole lotta ladies in full-length mink coats up my butt, with a couple of supposed assistants who were pretty busy planning their weddings, (one of them imaginary). It was 8am when I started and it was fully dark when I finally sat down for a few minutes. 

I let myself have a 10 minute break to scan the AP newsfeed (my main vice at the time).
Kathy Griffin had won an Emmy, and her acceptance speech was (or included, I only heard this one line) "suck it Jesus, this award is my God now" and I laughed so. fucking. hard. I literally laid on the floor of the studio and cried laughing, because for her to take the air out of the usual pompousness and declarations of God's favour based on receiving literal golden idols was so gutsy and funny to me....and I just really needed to hear it. That someone was also laughing at the absurdity of the elite. And the next day when the PTB were trying to make her apologize for it? And her apology was something like "I'm sorry if you have no sense of humor, I'm sorry if you don't get that it's only a joke"....just....THAT'S somebody who has both a sense of humor and the guts to defend what a joke is, which is ridiculousness. She wasn't taking Jesus's name in vain, she was taking the piss out of the Emmys and celebrity. And herself, 'cause come on, you HAVE to love the experience of getting one of those.. (..and then maybe eventually killing one of your former bullies with it. I'd imagine. I mean, you know, in a theme episode of CSI or something….(shifty eyes)……) I just mean I admire being able to make fun of your own glee. You can think it's silly that artists are put in competition, and yet you can still delight in "winning". It's just since then, I can't stand it when somebody who goes to bat for every scummy comic who says some nasty crap shittalks her like she's not bona fide, because it's like, dude, she goes hard, does her own thing, and she stands up for herself. And that's all you can ask of another comic. No one's forcing you to watch Bravo. 

And Eisner? He's a doofus. He was one of those guys raised in an era where a woman got backhanded if she had a great comeback, and he expects to really be able to evaluate whether women have the chops to be funny? Gee, what reason would women have for being polite and soft-spoken? Hmmmmmm. Big mystery. You know who's not funny? Theon Greyjoy. 

(And the truth is, you give a woman a hair and makeup crew worth a damn and a lot of fresh fruit and plenty of folks will find them worth ogling. Goldie Hawn IS beautiful. And Goldie Hawn, YES, occasionally has a hag day like anybody. Deal with it. And hell, Lucy was gorgeous, and also kinda average looking. Some days I look like a goddess, and some days I look like a frog. And I don't know why he's waiting on incredibly beautiful women to be funny, when it's like, come on, how many genetic lotteries are you gonna hit? Do you ask Magic Mike to solve complex equations?? Being truly funny is pretty rare. Most "funny guy in the office" people are just quoting the same 10 Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler movies over and over again as it is. And you know what? Sure! The Waterboy was hilarious, I enjoyed Big Daddy a lot for some reason and both those guys look like monkeyfeet. (Sorry. You can cry into the supple crook of your supermodel wife's giraffe neck about it, boys. And my likewise incongruously good looking' husband can cry into my pack of hotdogs. The magic of being really funny, right boys?)

You're robbing people of good laughs, NEEDED laughs, by filtering out everybody but the freakin' ethereal beauties from the lady side. Some of us monsters are HILARIOUS. 

Anyway, ugly people forever, were the best, everyone is ugly SOMETIMES, and everybody eventually gets ugly and is still worth a damn. AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF I'M PRETTY RIGHT NOW I HAVE SHIT TO CONTRIBUTE SO PLEASE STOP COCKBLOCKING MY FUCKING SOUL AND SHUT IT DOWN MELTY OLD MEN YOU AINT MUCH TO LOOK AT EITHER BUT YOU MADE THE MAGIC KINGDOM RIGHT? DID YOU THINK IT POURED OUT OF YOUR DICK SOMEHOW LIKE YOU COULDN'T'VE MADE IT IF YOU INSTEAD HAD A FRONT DOOR *AND* A FACE LIKE MOUNT RUSHMORE? 

( Anyway, brazen jokes aside Eisner, I'm a big fan of animation and I really liked the '9 old men' and I poured over all your shorts and rarities and read all the classics on the subject of old school animation and it was weird that even THERE it was hard to get in as a girl. Even when your face wasn't SEEN we wouldn't be trusted. Except for that one lady, I *know*, but if you have ONE name it's kind of BS tokenism okay? We're half the population. And don't tell me they got the be the in-betweeners sometimes because you KNOW that is a second class position, Eisner. YOU KNOW IT IS. Don't pretend with me. You're a smart man. Just....help us Pollyannas Pollyanna, will ya?? We NEED an alley-oop like anybody else! )

I guess my argument with ya is this....I kind of agree with you. It IS rare for some Tinkerbell to have BOTH an innate ability to be tapped (for the SKILL, guys) AND the environmental encouragement to become funny. Both because it gets discouraged in the pretty girls and somewhat encouraged in those of us who were gifted with a Whitman's Sampler of body parts, because a few laughs really greases the wheels that open doors that mostly only open for the pretty or wealthy people. I slept in a drawer as a baby, have a face like Louis Black, and I've still been in every country club in on a coupla Gold Coasts mostly because I'm funny.  I get asked why I don't have a show ALL THE TIME. By wealthy tennis dudes, by fifth grade boys, by teenagers in line behind me, guys that still enjoy "hotties" plenty.....and no executive at your level would even consider using me for anything probably....but I'm telling you you're costing yourselves money when you count out using less-than-beautiful women, because it does not seem to bother your target demo at ALL that I'm a middle. They WANT to listen, and laugh, and see me own being a not-hot-girl in that same fierce hilarious way that they imagine THEY'D take it like a champ, too. (They wouldn't. They'd cry like little bitches, it is way harder than you think as a rookie.) 

So if we're both right, and that's the truth.....then maybe ease up on the requirement for Hottie Level 9 and just let a girl's personality carry a flick. All you executives who are not reading this, please, pull a Ridley Scott and say "What am I going to do about her hair? I'm going to leave it alone" and let women play women, and most women usually don't look like paintings or visions of sirens. 

#NotAllMen can be Clooney. 

Yours Truly,

Kat Burdick
Bridge Scorcher