Domination Imagination : Podcast Edition

A great thing about NOT getting to do a thing you longed to do, is that in the fantasy you get to have a flawless victory!

For instance, I am not on 'Race Wars' today, but I am very excited to hear my esteemed bosslady at Right NOW!, Carolyn Castiglia on the show @ 5PM! http://standupnylabs.com/entertainment/

BUT that does NOT prevent the fantasy! 

Check me here just nailing guest Ann Coulter and host Kurt Metzger, somehow without anyone else getting a word in edgewise, in essay format, starting with me name checking Anne Shirley.

Rad

Kurt:
These bloggers! And these college pukes! They're all sensitive fucking nellies and they should shove something up their buttholes and relax!

Me:
Kurt, there's this quote you might know from Anne of Green Gables.

Kurt:
...

Me:
You strike me as a Canadian melodrama kinda guy. Maybe you're not so much a reader though…so maybe it was Degrassi?…..but I digressi….anyway….the quote is "There's a lot of different Annes inside of me." 

Ann:
Yes, Kathleen….that's called schizophrenia. Hau Hau Hau (<Darien CT Town Laugh)

Me:
You're one to talk...you have a history of Grateful Dead concert attendance and a rear aperture of f22.  (In case you're not a camera nerd, I make a "super tight anus" fist gesture here. Which is perfect for a podcast. Really drives that point home!)

Helluva dichotomy Coulter! Not even Jerry's lovelight can escape that black hole!

I like that quote because it was a good simple way to express the idea that one person has different facets and roles and you don't necessarily even agree with YOURSELF on everything. You see more sides than one. 

I have my little philosophy about what you should do onstage...and then I am ON stage and shit is WAY different than anybody thinks it is. And sometimes you say some crazy shit because you have to UNHINGE your brain to be able to do this. A lot of crazy shit gets packed in there in a lifetime. And If I was putting up a ton of boundaries it would be impossible to get at the good stuff. 

If we're waiting for perfect people before people can talk, that's stupid. Might as well all dive in our graves now if that's how we're playing it. 

But when it comes to a bunch of English majors writing essays? Comics are being the whiny cunts on this one. Not about hecklers at live shows, because they should shut the fuck up or leave, but for bloggers? BLOGGERS? Who gives a shit! NO ONE drives MORE blog traffic than comedians. I had never HEARD of Jezebel! I had a bunch of feminist friends I ignored or worse called granola and unreasonable and too sensitive to their faces and probably did not even listen hard once to their Audre Lorde quotes and "feminist theories" (even now I say it in a whiny voice automatically). 

But in the first few years I did comedy….you know, you follow people on all this shit so you see what everyone shares….and like a big cabal of dudes in this scene just hammered that shit online SO HARD….but like between all y'all 8-10 posts a day about Jezebel or Salon or whatever, with rants underneath, coming from all these dudes I thought were tough! Complaining about complaining! These are the self-aware motherfuckers we're relying on to be peeling away the facade of bullshit? You bitch and you waste WAY MORE TIME than those ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL BITCHERS do! You're supposed to be FUNNY instead you're just being a hateful dick for 80 comments on FB to some girl blindsides because she wrote a tweet on her lunchbreak at Whole Foods. And you guys NEVER criticize each other because bro code, AT ALL, but if a girl says ANY shit it's "name names". Even though retaliation is a thing and you're not stupid and you know because you guys've SEEN Serpico!

I was finally so convinced by your constant whining to check 'em out, all those terrible liberal pussy rags, right? That I had dismissed all my life? They were right about a lot  of things I'd seen and thought rare and apparently aren't rare AT ALL. Sure, they're irritating. But so are you! And they've got good points sometimes. And so do you.  But frankly, YOU won me over to feminism. You did what some tiny fairy college couldn't do the the republican Army brat. You pussified me. You *whined* and were so casually shitty to women SO MUCH that I TURNED into someone who would read and consider a Jezebel article. Congratulations. You're Patient Zero. You're the fucking outbreak monkey, Metzger. 

And Ann? you're never gonna better the world by being a hateful cunt. I've tried and it doesn't work. I've tried the other way and it's 1000% WAY WAY better. Come to the dark side, Ann! We have cookies and letter e's and you can listen to Ripple on constant repeat!
I was gonna be wearing earplugs anyway because of that searing whine every time you see somebody darker than a buttercup breathing.

Look, Kurt, I *know* that none of those people knows what's it's like to really be onstage. They think they know what it looks like from up there and they have no idea. Their school play or valedictorian's speech is not even in the fucking ballpark. And they come up to you after a show... and they sound ignorant when they tell us what we should do and say and how we should say it, and if they're lucky you just smile, nod and leave because you don't have the time for this shit, AGAIN. 

And it's just the same when YOU talk about women a lot of the time, you sound like a rookie idiot giving "notes"! The same old cliches, and can't hear yourself confidentially asking all the same questions girls first considered back when they were 11. You guys are fond of saying you don't give a fuck. But it is literally 70% of your last two years worth of newsfeed, bitching about this cunt or that cunt. All the Jezebel boys have about that ratio….7 times talking about women….for every 2 or 3 times they talk about something they actually know about. Or even having the balls to criticize….say, peers, or….or EVEN someone in charge of their industry instead of the people at the bottom of it. I think what you guys give a fuck about is that you're angry and you can't yell at the people who you have to suck up to so you yell at a bunch of chicks because it's easy and they have no standing.

Piling on girls and stirring up a bunch of mouth breathers who are thrilled to rally to your flaccid cause of "I saw an article and I clicked on it and Willy didn'a like it"? 

If  your argument is these women are  whiny pussies how much less are you for whining that they wrote a fucking column that only got attention because you guys have google alerts set for keyword 'feminism' so y'all can hatejack in a circle jerk?! 

You know there's porn on the internet ? Go! Why wouldn't you just block Jezebel and move on? Let the girls have their fucking club. You don't want them showing up to your club? Fine. Set the fucking example. Be the Bigger Man. (Get it? Because you're like fucking Frankenstein's monster.)

When we are crappy to each other everyone gets sour and shitty and it doesn't matter how famous or fancy or prosperous everything is if everyone is sour and shitty. I've been to tons of country clubs and trailer parks and suburbs and military bases. I've done my research. Once everyone has a doctor and a dinner, everything else is set dressing.  
Some of each strata manages to somehow live right. And some of each strata should be shot.

It's US.

It's not the genders or team names or the fact that Bookie MaGee wants to write his Peniston's thesis on The Deeper Meaning of Seinfeld's Deal. So if you have a problem with the fucked up world full of crazies, fix the only crazy you can fix. Which is you. Ooooooor SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!!!!  Then <that's the recursive world you invite in.  Just screaming in each others faces like some fucking Springer episode. That blows. Why would anyone agree to fighting for freedom IF that's what we do with it?